sitting here.

I'm not sure how I got to where I am. when I think of all the forks in the road that I have faced I have somehow stumbled upon success.  

I have always been told not to use someone else's measuring stick so here is my definition:

I have my life. my health. a roof over my head. a GREAT job with amazing benefits far beyond those of compensation. it's nice doing something that I know I'm good at and that I know other people value my contributions. I have grown a stronger bond within my family and am working every day to break the cycle of repressing feelings and being more open and honest. I have love in my heart. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I am blessed to call my friends. I have found Grace and am learning how to manifest it in myself for others. 

I'm not lucky. I'm blessed. 

as 2010 comes to an end, I like to sit back and reflect on the year. this was a huge year for me. epic even.

many new things: job, apartment, confidence, love, friendships, adventures. I had my hiccups, some big ones: health related concerns, my dad, moving back, run ins with the law! but through everything I persevered. I learned. I grew. Through some of these moments, I realized weaknesses that I have and things I want to improve upon in my life. I am all about growing. I don't dwell on the past. life is full of ups and downs. it's inevitable. 

I'm ready for 2011. 

eyes to the sky

I was in bed, eyes to the sky, 

tears on my face and I thought about 

everything, everything, everything, everything. 

Grey skies ahead, 

God knows I've tried to look away and forget about 

everything, everything, everything, everything.

And the light of the moon seems to darken and the rays from the sun aren't as bright,

I need a sign that I've not lost my mind,

How did I lose my way, what have I become...
Am I running to you or just running away from
everything,

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything.

(Eyes to The Sky - The Foreign Exchange)

larger than life

Everything I do is larger than life: the way I think, the way I act, what I expect... I live beyond my means. (not speaking financially... although sometimes that may be true).  I just have these huge expectations for life. Unrealistic... prolly because I'm unrealistic.  I have the romanticized view of what I think life should be like. Maybe I've seen too many musicals or read too many books... whatever the case may be, I have an idea (almost like a script) of what should be happening day by day.


When I was a teacher, I thought I had everything figured out... concerning classroom management.  I had my students trained down to the smallest detail.  Except for one thing... sharpening pencils.  This is not something I ever talked about.  Never explained a procedure, didn't include it on the syllabus.  But it's something that I had a clear expectation as to what I wanted.  There is an appropriate time to sharpen your pencil.  And that was all I said.  One day in April, over half way through the year I FREAKED OUT on an unsuspecting freshman.  I was giving instructions on a project and she just got right up and started to sharpen as I was talking.  All I could think was "the nerve of this little girl! doesn't she see that I am talking and that she is being SO RUDE"  So I did what any teacher would do, I sent her out into the hallway and really gave her a piece of my mind.  I made her cry, even.  And when I asked her why she thought I got so upset, she replied as she wiped away the tears from her face, "I didn't know."  And I just sat there, flabbergasted.  She didn't know?  How is this possible?  And it took me almost a week to realize that I had never been clear as to what I expected from them in this regard.  And it has taken me a lifetime to realize that that wasn't the first time nor will it be the last that I will not be explicit with my expectations. 


Honestly, I'm not usually clear to what I want in any regard.  I just assume people to do "the right thing."  What is the right thing?  


I'm gonna do me.  You go on and do you.  Hopefully we meet somewhere in the middle. 


I hate compromising. hahaha


seriously, though. I do. :)

Pancakes - LP

Pancakes - LP

download your copy here

unattainable

this is a word that for me, never existed in my vocabulary. but lately I find myself using this word for so many reasons and in so many aspects of my life.  I have always had drive and said corny things like "when there's a will, there's a way..."  and it's funny because I hear those words, and I know: 


I have the will... but sometimes there truly is no way.  


I'm not a pessimist... but lately I have given up the world of fantasy and tuned into the world of reality.  I kinda feel like I'm losing a piece of me.  But I could no longer be blinded by hope. That sounds mad depressing... and it is.  Part of what I used to think made me so unique was the ability to always see the silver lining, to always see the good, to always have faith.  This isn't really about faith, or even why things happen.  To me this is about outcomes. I no longer believe that everything will "work itself out" shit doesn't work out all the time. win some, lose more. 


another word I find myself using and I hope I choke on my words is... settling.
Jesus Christ, me, Rosisella Villegas, is ok with things?? never me! a person who had convictions so deep that she has stood up to people who were merely ok with the status quo is now "ok" with certain aspects of my life. and why I'm ok and not striving for more... is partly due to this newfound grasp of reality.


"I guess I'm ok with it" I hate that word. Ok. what does ok even mean? where did we get it from? ok in spanish "esta bien" means it's good.  but ok is not good. it's better than nothing. it's as good as it'll get. it's decent. it's doable. but it's not good.


settling. (even typing it send shivers down my spine!)


but in all of this depressing talk of not having what you want... I'm ok with where some things are. there are always reasons for why things don't work out as we would like. I guess my goal is not to be ok with what I have, but knowing and ACCEPTING I have done what I can do. and if it's still unattainable then it's just that. I can only do me.


I'm so dramatic. :)

The Rose That Grew From Concrete

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack 

in the concrete?

Proving nature's laws are wrong it learned to walk 

without having feet.

Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams

it learned to breathe fresh air

Long live the rose that grew from concrete

when no one else even cared!

moments of reflection

life is a cluster of moments. moments of happiness, moments of sadness, moments of solitude, moments of reflection. each moment has value. it validates our existence for that moment in time. 

my moment today is that of happiness and fulfillment. :)

sometimes I get caught up in the chaos that can be my environment and I forget to just reflect on the blessings that I am surrounded with. as a person who is overly optimistic all the time and whose glass is always half full, I feel like I've been in such a negative slump. I don't like that about me. I'm glad that today I took the time to remember how lucky I truly am. 

peace and love. 

"Resist the Urge to Hang Out With Your Cell Phone"

So, like I've said before, I have these life changing epiphanies on average about once a week! haha... and it's always something small, that can be just the shift I need to make a move into the right direction... that ripple in the water that could change the tide.

I am one of those people that can drown in a glass of water (or whatever the saying is). I mean, I'm not the best swimmer, but I have the skills required not to drown. But I tend to forget these things... moving your arms and kicking your legs... ok, enough with trying to be all metaphorical... I have a tendency to feel sorry for myself and throw these huge pity parties... and then it's all I want to talk about. and I go on and on and on and on.... about the same damn thing. then I feel worse because I have now magnified a problem and focused on the "why me?" instead of focusing on the "how am I going to handle this?"

as people of the world we need to stop asking why and starting thinking how.

I didn't make that up... or maybe I did? or maybe this is just an interpretation of something that I heard one day. either way, it's relevant to what I need to do in my life. I am so blessed. I forget this sometimes. I think that God sees us losing focus and reminds us of what we need to focus on. I know that I have lost sight from time to time. I am thankful that I have people that remind me. 

I like to pretend that I don't care what others think. I am easy to see "eff that. who cares!" but really I'm saying "I really care a lot, about myself, what you think of me, and what I think you think of me" ...someone told me once that I need to stop making assumptions about what others think/perceive. Assumptions make an ass of you and me. haha. 

After much reflection and much needed purging of my material world, I'm learning to let go. let go of assumptions, let go of feelings of inadequacy, let go of the actions of others, let go of the notion that I am in this world to impress. I need to let go of the frame of mind that I need to worry about what others may think, and just live right by me. 

A friend of mine sent me this awesome poem/video. I love it! (a quote from said poem is where the title of this entry came from) I think more than the overall message of being on your own or being alone, I got out of it the need to NOT conform to societal norms. I feel like I don't, but I do... but really I want to not conform, but I am by nature a conformist inside a non-conformists body. lol Not sure that makes sense.

I need a revolution. 

when there's no one else in sight..

"if I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance... and I'd be dancing with myself."

Billy Idol - Dancing With Myself
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distant memories

it's really disheartening when people I know become people I knew. to merely coexist when at one point you were a significant part of each other's lives. how does that happen? how do friends grow apart?


I have had my share of growing apart. people whom I considered to be my best of friends are know merely people I knew. it's even more unsettling to think of the wonderful people that I know hold so near and dear to my heart could somehow also fade away into a distant memory.


I love cliches, especially if they are corny. one that I'm thinking of right now is:

people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 

here's how I see it: nothing happens by chance; there are no coincidences. there is a reason for everything. blessed be the day that I met my former bff, because as crazy as it may be, she is the reason I met my new bff. had it not be the series of events that lead up to my presence at Harpo's on that cool, September night in 2006, who knows where I'd be. and that is just speaking to one of many friends I made through that dissipated relationship. First of all, we would not have even hung out had it not been for my ex and I breaking up. hard to believe, but I had no other friends outside of the tiny circle that was my life from 1999-2006. isn't that crazy? but again, there is always a purpose. the point is to find out why/what you need to take from a relationship and move on with those lessons learned. 


anyway, I feel like I have strategically picked the people in my life. I need to be surrounded by people who are like-minded, who will challenge me to be better than I am, who will hold me to the same standards they hold for themselves, who will tell me the truth and not what I want to hear, who are stronger, wiser and better than me. I need to be around people who are funny, light-hearted, smart, kind, open, generous, and most of all real. I want these people around for a lifetime. 


I am so blessed to have these people in my life: my friends who are the family I chose, and my family who didn't choose me. I thank you all for being present in my life. and to those distant memories, I thank you too. you have taught me how to be better, stronger, wiser and forgiving. I will never be jaded because I have too much love in my heart. 

con chile y limón, por favor

Okay, so the title and what I'm actually going to release from the vault that is my mind don't really match up, I'm hungry and I could go for some chips right now. I miss Mexico, and due to unforeseen circumstances my upcoming trip to México has to be pushed back... damn you Morris, IL!! 

ANYWAY... as I sit at work and contemplate my evening... I have no desire to go home. Lately I loathe my apartment.  I really thought moving out was going to be the greatest thing EVER! and in many ways it has been. I need to make that move in my life... for so many reasons. (thanks for the encouragement, those who were encouraging).  but anymore, I just don't feel like going home.  it's too quiet. I hate cooking just for myself. I hate reheating left-overs. watching TV alone is not nearly as fun as it is when you have someone to laugh with. thank goodness for twitter! haha. more than anything, I hate eating dinner alone. it's a constant reminder of how lonely I feel. I invite over friends, but everyone is busy with their own families, I don't expect them to come keep me company... that sounds so childish. but anyway. it's true. sometimes I find myself working late just to avoid it. lately I even have been spending lots of time at my parents' house... yes, I'm THAT desperate. LOL

I have been working out, so that helps to occupy some of my free time. and I like going for walks around my neighborhood now that it's not so damn hot! I actually considered picking up a PT job... this is the first time since I was 16 that I only had one job.  I really don't have time for that, but it's a thought that is dancing around my head.  One thing I have not done and I will not do... go shopping out of boredom. I have VISA bills to prove how that is a BAD idea, lol!!!

I need a new hobby. and some new friends, lol... although I love the ones I have! :)

so... who wants to hang out?! 

Every Night I Pray

I don't consider myself to be the most religious person. I love God.  By association you could say I'm Catholic.  I grew up in the church with first communions and confirmation classes.  We prayed the Rosary and went to church every Sunday.  As I've gotten older, my relationship with the Church changed.  And especially after the death of my beloved Abuelita Lupe, I built up a huge resentment toward God.  I was so upset and hurt and felt betrayed that such a beautiful woman inside and out could be taken away from this world in such a terrible way. I don't speak of it much.  Honestly, I still hold that in very deep inside of me.  I don't think I have forgiven myself for taking for granted all the time that I could have had with her and didn't.  That will be a different post, not sure where that digression occurred, hehe.


As I was saying before, I don't consider myself to be the most religious person, but I do feel a close connection with God and the Angels that I feel protect me in my life.  I pray a lot.  More than most.  When I was younger I used to think God only spoke Spanish... being that I went to a Spanish-speaking church and always prayed with my mom in Spanish.  


Every night my prayer goes a little something like this (but in Spanish):


Dear God,


Thank you for today.  I'm thankful for my family and my dear friends.  I pray for my Mom and Dad, may they have peace in their hearts.  I pray for Eddie and Jenny, Noah and Ava.  May they have an open mind and make sound choices.  I pray for Jimi and Missy and baby Henry.  May they have the strength and the courage to bring a baby into the world.  I pray for Joe.  May he have peace in his heart and mind.  Bless his thoughts and actions so that he may find what he is looking for.  I pray for my mind that I make good sound decisions. I pray for my heart so that I may love purely all of those around me.  I pray for those who have no one to pray for them.  Lord, please guide my path and clear my mind of doubt.  I pray that my Abuelita be watching over me and help me to guide me on my path, should I go astray.  With all that I am, I ask for this. 


Amen.


Goodnight world.

What I REALLY Want

There is something that I have been ashamed to admit, but really & truly desire in my life. Beauty.

Allow me to explain:

I want beauty in my world.

I want to be beautiful.

I want to go to beautiful places and see beautiful things.

I want to experience beautiful people who do beautiful things.

I want life to be beautiful inside and out.

I want to live a beautiful life and be around others doing the same.

I want true, deep, radiant beauty.

I want elevated, responsible and educated beauty.

Beauty that goes deeper than the skin.

Beauty that inspires and attracts.

Beauty that reflects respect.

I want beauty.


I pray every day that I move forward in the places and spaces that reflect beauty.

The Greatest of These is Love

I'm absolutely in LOVE with music. It's the greatest love affair I'll ever know. 

Without a doubt, my favorite MJ song (may he rest in peace)and easily my all time favorite love song is I Just Can't Stop Loving You.

This song goes out to you. 

I Just Can't Stop Loving You...

Re-Invention

In my formative years, I had this vision for the person I was going to become in my life.  Outside of job descriptions, I knew who I wanted to be and what it was going take to get me there.  Although as I look in the mirror, the reflection is not that of the person I envisioned.


Sometimes I don't recognize the reflection looking back at me. 


Right now I don't.


And for good reason, I find myself readjusting, rethinking, redoing, reorganizing, and remodeling my life. 


However, there was a time when this "reinvention of self" occurred for different reasons.  I used to try to be a person that I thought others wanted me to be: friends, boyfriends, potential love interests, family. I was striving to become the version of myself that they wanted me to be.  And in all of that I lost sight of who I was of who I am. 


I know I'm not perfect. I know that sometimes I'm a bit haphazard in my ways. I own those parts of me. I am the most perfect Rosisella because that is all I can be. Can I strive to be better?  Is there a flaw in the notion that I must be fixed?  Does that mean that I am broken?  The mind is a powerful tool.  It can create a world and live it in.  Then you suddenly attract people with the ideas that prove what you always thought to be true.  I feel like I question so much when really I just need to question the assumption that I am lacking.  Focusing long enough on erroneous assumptions will eventually lead to their confirmation.  


Right now, I do need to make some positive changes in my life.  And I am on the way of making those things come to fruition.


Every day is a new start.  Sometimes I don't always know where I'm going, but the best place to start is usually the beginning.


I love everyone. 

words that eventually make sentences

I'm gonna try this blog thing... this a journal/journey through my thoughts, ideas, desires, wishes, dreams and random quirks that I often think up.

if you know me, you know that I am an extremely passionate person about the people I love and the things I hold to be true.  I am many things but none of them define me fully.  I am like a mosaic, made up many overlapping pieces that alone are nothing significant, but together make a beautiful abstract piece of art. 

at my best, I am:

a daughter

a Sasie

a sister

a friend

a lover

a giver

a confidant

a life coach

a listener

selfless

open-minded

unique

random

funny

witty

charming

intelligent

thoughtful

optimistic

inspired

honest

loyal

interesting

passionate

loving

strong

at my worst I am:

selfish

jealous

envious

a fighter

quick-tempered

close-minded

judgmental

superficial

petty

a talker

a procrastinator

forgetful

uninspired

distracted

apathetic

There is so much I want to do in my life, but so much I need to do first. I love so many things and so many people, it's very overwhelming.  I'm currently trying to define my role in people's lives and where I fit in.  Lately I feel like I'm a puzzle piece that doesn't quite match up with other pieces and I'm forcing something that isn't meant to fit together. 

I'm a very loyal person, but sometimes I think that is my demise. I do so much for others that I often lose myself in them.

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  If I am happy, sad, mad, in love, etc... you prolly know it. I try to give off positive energy and vibes, but I'll call you out on some BS, real talk.

I'm by no means an introvert, but I'm prolly the shyest outgoing person I know, and the most self-conscious confident person at that.  I contradict myself a lot... I have a hard time making up my mind about most things.

I have tried to convince myself that I am not in love with the person that I love more than anything in the world. It's kinda funny and even more pathetic. Oh well... I love the way my heart feels.

At least once a week, I have a life changing epiphany, whether it be a song, a quote, a book I'm reading, something someone said at work, etc... I listen with an open heart and mind... and often try to make changes in my life. I constantly strive to become a better version of myself. Not that I'm trying to reinvent myself, just grow.

I have the best job. I truly feel like I have been called to do this. I'm learning more and more about myself and who I am as a professional.  I'm discovering talents I never knew I had. They believe in me which makes me believe in me.

I have the best friend in the world. I love him with all that I am. He has touched my life in more ways that he prolly realizes. I thank God for putting him in my life.

I used to have all these goals that I wanted to achieve by the time I was 25. I'm 27 now. I have some work to do. Although I have let go of the notion that I have to have time limitations. Things work out the way they are supposed to, as long as you act. You can't just sit back and wait for life to happen. I'm a go-getter. I thank my dad for instilling that in me.

I jump in with both feet. It's not always the smartest thing... I've been burned a few times. But it's what I do.

I can find a song to define any one moment in my life. currently "las llaves de mi alma" is my current soundtrack. basically... you have the keys to my soul, come in whenever you want so that you can see if there is someone in the world that could give you all that I would like to. 

I speak Spanish. I love Spanish. I need more Spanish-speaking people in my life. 

My biggest accomplishment in life would be to get married and have lots of babies... maybe not lots. 2 or 3. A little girl and two boys.  

I love my mother. I know I'm not the daughter she wanted, but like it or not, she has formed me into the strong, passionate woman that I am now. She is my heart. 

I am overly sensitive and I take everything personally. I don't like mean people or cynicism.

I love God. I wish I loved Him more.

I'm really clumsy and kinda messy. I always get dirty when I eat. I try not to, but never quite works out.

I feel like my life is one giant digression to what I had set out on originally... it's like I piggy backed off of an idea and continued piggy backing... until I built this pyramid that is nowhere close to what I had initially intended *if you followed that, then we can be friends*

I feel like blogging is going to be my newest excuse as to why I shouldn't do laundry, lol!

I hope you all enjoy!

:)  ♥