Day 02: a picture of the person you've been closet to the longest.

this is really hard for me. there are so many things to consider for this “honor” :)

first of all, if I go with the longest, there is no question that my dearest cousin Elva *teacher of the year 2010-2011* would win the award. since I can remember we have been the sisters we never had. when we were younger, we used to make up these elaborate dances in the front yard. we always asked our dads to play chess just to get a few more minutes of “hanging out time” and then “pretend” to fall asleep so we could spend the night. I always looked up to her, and she inspired me to become a teacher. she is the greatest woman I’ve ever known. I don’t know if I could have survived the things she has had to endure, and she always did everything with no complaints, no questions, but just because it was the right thing to do. even when we had our stints and I “HATED” her… I have never so passionately hated a person, lol. and it’s so funny because looking back, she always had my best interest at heart, which is more than I can say about other people. we go through our times when we don’t always talk and aren’t as close as we could be… but when you break out the rock band or american idol, we have a connection that is unparalleled. we both enjoy musicals and love Mama Mia. and at christmas time we thoroughly enjoy the singing of mariah carey among others. we have so many connections, so many memories, and so much grace through what has sometimes been a rocky relationship. she is my cousin, but she is more like my sister. ♥

now… if I had to go with friend who I’ve been closet to the longest, the winner is…*drum roll, please* Kate!

We met in 7th grade at Raytown South Middle School in gym class. I remember the first thing I ever asked her is if she shaved her legs, and how to do it! haha… we have had so many memories together. all the raves and the red bull… and red, white and boom. going “off” to college. her wedding. and through all of the trials and tribulations our “original” circle of friends has gone through, we have always remained tight. she is the family I chose. she has always been there for me, and I know that I can lean on her for anything. I hope she knows she can expect that same from me. I’m glad to have been able to share in her life. she has shown me so much and taught me things that I am embarrassed to write about… (at Samantha’s apartment when we were like 18). from playing soccer to playing volleyball, we have always been close. I’m so proud of her accomplishments in life. she was there for my family when my grandfather was in the hospital, and there is no other nurse I would trust in the world than her. Love you!

Day 01: fifteen facts

fifteen facts:

1. I love singing, but I am terrible at it. However, I guarantee a perfect score on rock band.

2. I have a short attention span. 

3. I love television. 

4. My taste in music is interesting... broadway hits, hip hop, and lady gaga about sums it up, lol.

5. I always put two spaces after a period when typing.

6. I tend to want to champion lost causes. 

7. I'm addicted to good coffee, good pens, and good mascara.

8. I used to be so carefree...

9. I have an amazing best friend.

10. I'm a selfish giver. 

11. I've never won an award I've been nominated for, but I feel honored just being recognized.

12. I want there to be a library named in my honor. or maybe a hall at a university.

13. I believe in fairy tale endings. 

14. Through all of the pain and all of the tears, I am not afraid of being vulnerable to love.

15. My biggest goal in life is to get married and have babies. 

30 days.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of somewhere you've been.
Day 07 - A picture that shows your true self.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of you and your friends.
Day 17 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 18 - A picture of your favorite place.
Day 19 - A picture of a habit you wish you didn't have.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture that confuses you.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you crave a lot.
Day 25 - A picture of you last year and how you've changed since then.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

sitting here.

I'm not sure how I got to where I am. when I think of all the forks in the road that I have faced I have somehow stumbled upon success.  

I have always been told not to use someone else's measuring stick so here is my definition:

I have my life. my health. a roof over my head. a GREAT job with amazing benefits far beyond those of compensation. it's nice doing something that I know I'm good at and that I know other people value my contributions. I have grown a stronger bond within my family and am working every day to break the cycle of repressing feelings and being more open and honest. I have love in my heart. I am surrounded by wonderful people that I am blessed to call my friends. I have found Grace and am learning how to manifest it in myself for others. 

I'm not lucky. I'm blessed. 

as 2010 comes to an end, I like to sit back and reflect on the year. this was a huge year for me. epic even.

many new things: job, apartment, confidence, love, friendships, adventures. I had my hiccups, some big ones: health related concerns, my dad, moving back, run ins with the law! but through everything I persevered. I learned. I grew. Through some of these moments, I realized weaknesses that I have and things I want to improve upon in my life. I am all about growing. I don't dwell on the past. life is full of ups and downs. it's inevitable. 

I'm ready for 2011. 

eyes to the sky

I was in bed, eyes to the sky, 

tears on my face and I thought about 

everything, everything, everything, everything. 

Grey skies ahead, 

God knows I've tried to look away and forget about 

everything, everything, everything, everything.

And the light of the moon seems to darken and the rays from the sun aren't as bright,

I need a sign that I've not lost my mind,

How did I lose my way, what have I become...
Am I running to you or just running away from
everything,

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything, 

everything.

(Eyes to The Sky - The Foreign Exchange)

larger than life

Everything I do is larger than life: the way I think, the way I act, what I expect... I live beyond my means. (not speaking financially... although sometimes that may be true).  I just have these huge expectations for life. Unrealistic... prolly because I'm unrealistic.  I have the romanticized view of what I think life should be like. Maybe I've seen too many musicals or read too many books... whatever the case may be, I have an idea (almost like a script) of what should be happening day by day.


When I was a teacher, I thought I had everything figured out... concerning classroom management.  I had my students trained down to the smallest detail.  Except for one thing... sharpening pencils.  This is not something I ever talked about.  Never explained a procedure, didn't include it on the syllabus.  But it's something that I had a clear expectation as to what I wanted.  There is an appropriate time to sharpen your pencil.  And that was all I said.  One day in April, over half way through the year I FREAKED OUT on an unsuspecting freshman.  I was giving instructions on a project and she just got right up and started to sharpen as I was talking.  All I could think was "the nerve of this little girl! doesn't she see that I am talking and that she is being SO RUDE"  So I did what any teacher would do, I sent her out into the hallway and really gave her a piece of my mind.  I made her cry, even.  And when I asked her why she thought I got so upset, she replied as she wiped away the tears from her face, "I didn't know."  And I just sat there, flabbergasted.  She didn't know?  How is this possible?  And it took me almost a week to realize that I had never been clear as to what I expected from them in this regard.  And it has taken me a lifetime to realize that that wasn't the first time nor will it be the last that I will not be explicit with my expectations. 


Honestly, I'm not usually clear to what I want in any regard.  I just assume people to do "the right thing."  What is the right thing?  


I'm gonna do me.  You go on and do you.  Hopefully we meet somewhere in the middle. 


I hate compromising. hahaha


seriously, though. I do. :)

Pancakes - LP

Pancakes - LP

download your copy here

unattainable

this is a word that for me, never existed in my vocabulary. but lately I find myself using this word for so many reasons and in so many aspects of my life.  I have always had drive and said corny things like "when there's a will, there's a way..."  and it's funny because I hear those words, and I know: 


I have the will... but sometimes there truly is no way.  


I'm not a pessimist... but lately I have given up the world of fantasy and tuned into the world of reality.  I kinda feel like I'm losing a piece of me.  But I could no longer be blinded by hope. That sounds mad depressing... and it is.  Part of what I used to think made me so unique was the ability to always see the silver lining, to always see the good, to always have faith.  This isn't really about faith, or even why things happen.  To me this is about outcomes. I no longer believe that everything will "work itself out" shit doesn't work out all the time. win some, lose more. 


another word I find myself using and I hope I choke on my words is... settling.
Jesus Christ, me, Rosisella Villegas, is ok with things?? never me! a person who had convictions so deep that she has stood up to people who were merely ok with the status quo is now "ok" with certain aspects of my life. and why I'm ok and not striving for more... is partly due to this newfound grasp of reality.


"I guess I'm ok with it" I hate that word. Ok. what does ok even mean? where did we get it from? ok in spanish "esta bien" means it's good.  but ok is not good. it's better than nothing. it's as good as it'll get. it's decent. it's doable. but it's not good.


settling. (even typing it send shivers down my spine!)


but in all of this depressing talk of not having what you want... I'm ok with where some things are. there are always reasons for why things don't work out as we would like. I guess my goal is not to be ok with what I have, but knowing and ACCEPTING I have done what I can do. and if it's still unattainable then it's just that. I can only do me.


I'm so dramatic. :)

The Rose That Grew From Concrete

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack 

in the concrete?

Proving nature's laws are wrong it learned to walk 

without having feet.

Funny it seems but by keeping its dreams

it learned to breathe fresh air

Long live the rose that grew from concrete

when no one else even cared!

moments of reflection

life is a cluster of moments. moments of happiness, moments of sadness, moments of solitude, moments of reflection. each moment has value. it validates our existence for that moment in time. 

my moment today is that of happiness and fulfillment. :)

sometimes I get caught up in the chaos that can be my environment and I forget to just reflect on the blessings that I am surrounded with. as a person who is overly optimistic all the time and whose glass is always half full, I feel like I've been in such a negative slump. I don't like that about me. I'm glad that today I took the time to remember how lucky I truly am. 

peace and love.